Relapse

Progress, then relapse. It’s something we know all too well. Regrowth, only to pull it all out. Relapse is months or years of growing back. It’s a tough road. I was doing so well, too. Things got crazy in my life (not bad, just overwhelming) and I pulled. I went to pick up a pencil under my desk at work and I was horrified how much hair I had under there. It was embarrassing, it was gross. But it was sad. I sat on the floor with a wad of hair in my hand, knowing this is another long road to recovery and regrowth. Who knows how long until it grows back? I’m so tired. It’s been almost 14 years of this. It takes a toll on your mental health and body image. I’m shocked when I hear that 2 to 4 % of the population goes through the same thing I do. It’s shocking really to think that when you are in a crowded room of 100 people, there could possibly 4 other people that know what I’m going through. My mother pulled and my cousin pulls, I also had a neighbor friend growing up who pulled. It’s not uncommon, but it still doesn’t help when I feel (and look) like a freak. Never feeling pretty. Never feeling completely confident. I think back to when I first pulled. I was in school and my chair grabbed hold of my hair. I turned around to find a big chunk stuck to the screw in my chair. I saw a follicle. I was amazed. I was intrigued. And that was it. What would have happened if my hair has been in a pony tail that day? Would things have been the same? Would I have eventually found myself pulling sometime down the road? Or would I have perfectly long and healthy blonde hair and not ever dare think about pulling it?

I'm destroying...myself

My hair is still filling in nicely. I have decreased my pulling significantly but I am still pulling. Less…but still pulling. And I pull my regrowth. The regrowth that I haven’t pulled is getting nice and long and I feel like if I wouldn’t have started up again, it would all be nice and long and I would be able to hide it (at least slightly more than I can right now.) It stinks because I just want to feel pretty. All the girls at work are trying to grow their hair out and I just want mine to grow in. I’m trying really hard. I’m trying to focus on other things that make me feel pretty like eating healthy and exercising. I bought some new shampoo and hair treatments, I’m all stocked up on vitamins and I’m making sure I get extra protein because I’m ready for my hair to grow in, to stay this time. I don’t want anything to stand in my way this time. I’m tired of the back and forth. The excitedness I get when it grows back in, just to get my hopes up after I screw up. It’s such a hard disorder to have because I’m literally destroying myself. I’m destroying the way I look. I’m destroying my self-confidence. I’m destroying my hair. And it makes no sense.

Going gluten free!

Almost three weeks ago I decided to do something drastic (drastic for me anyways) and I cut gluten out of my diet. It was a tough decision because I’m in love with all things bread. I can always go for a big bowl of pasta, people always bringing donuts into work and cookies are my weakness. 
I made this decision after coming across several studies and medical journals about how cutting gluten can decrease your pulling. To make things better, cutting gluten is one of the recommended diet changes for another medical issue I have with my thyroid. It was decided. I thought about doing it a year or so ago when I first came across the research, but now I have two reasons to cut it.
How bad can it be? I typically eat fruit, veggies and meat anyways. So far, it’s not that bad! I’ve seen a significant decrease in my pulling urges and decrease in my flare ups with my thyroid. I’m killing two birds with one stone. I haven’t missed it too much anyways. I should be eating healthier anyways, so this gives me just another reason to!

I feel slightly more tired than usual. I’m sure my body is just getting used to the changes. So far, it’s doable, and the benefits I’m receiving from it (especially the decrease in my pulling urges) is beyond worth it. I’m so happy I’ve decided to do this. It could be a lifestyle change that could turn into a lifestyle of long hair and no pulling!

I will.

It’s hard to feel pretty. It’s so hard when you try so hard and you are actually destroying the way you look. And depending on where you pull- you may or may not be able to cover it up. I pull right on the top of my head. I wear a bun every day to work to hide it and to prevent myself from pulling and it doesn’t always work. It makes me so sad to get out of the shower, I immediately blow dry my hair and put it up because I can’t stand to see myself looking like that. Even worse—knowing that I did it to myself. I was doing so great. My hair was looking good and was coming in so nicely. Within just a few weeks, I’ve pulled most of the regrowth out and am back to where I started. I’m embarrassed to meet new people. I’m so embarrassed when I go to my boyfriend’s family functions. I’m sure they’ve noticed and probably think I’m some sort of freak. I don’t know how I let myself do this to myself—for 13 years. It seems like a never ending thing. But I want to be done. I want to know that I’ve done everything I can to stop. I can push myself to workout really hard, or to wake up early to get something done, or to get ahead in my classes but I can’t stop this. I’m tired of it. I’m done. I want to feel pretty. I want to feel beautiful. I want to know that I’ve done everything I could to overcome this. I want to overcome this. I will overcome this.

In Control

I have pretty decent self-control when it comes to just about anything—eating right, homework, exercising, not spending too much money… I don’t understand how when it comes to this—It’s almost 0. How can I let it take over? It takes over my thoughts and my actions and then it takes over my life. It makes no sense. I can stop myself from doing just about anything else but I can’t control something that is destroying me. It’s sad. But I guess if it were controllable, it wouldn’t even be a disorder. It wouldn’t be around. Nobody would have it. But that’s the thing—it’s not controllable. And that’s hard for me because I like to be in control of just about everything in my life. I panic when things are out of my control. I’ve been out of control of this since I was 8 years old. I’m 21 now. It’s been 13 years since I’ve let this decide my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my self-confidence and my hairstyles. It has controlled my relationships (or lack thereof). It’s controlled so many aspects of my life. I fight back but it’s only a matter of time until it takes over again.

Sometimes I feel defeated..

Every time I go through a pulling spirt, I feel like I become less and less in control. I used to stop pulling by being able to go ONE day without pulling and then I was good for months and months. Lately, it’s been so much harder. I have so much going on that I feel like I can’t get a handle on it. I pulled most of my regrowth out, and I’m very upset about that. It was looking SO good. It was thick and healthy and long and pretty and now it’s gone. Not all of it, but a large chunk of it. It’s hard. I try to be a professional at work and not pull but that’s where I feel like it’s the worst. My boyfriend is very supportive. A few weeks back I started pulling again, I was embarrassed. When I told him I had relapsed, he said he didn’t even notice because he doesn’t see my bald spots when he looks at me. I’m very lucky. I’m working full time and going to school full time. I live in a terrible house with terrible roommates, It’s nowhere near close to being considered a “Home”. I feel like when I have a place that I consider a home (which I have before but I’ve since moved), where I can sit on the couch and watch TV or cook or lounge around in my pajamas, I don’t feel as stressed because I have a relaxed home environment, but not this time around. The past 9 months (which is when I moved in) I’ve pulled the most I ever have in my entire life. It’s easy to become defeated. It’s easy to feel defeated. We all feel it at some point or another, but we’re NOT defeated. We still have some fight left in us, even if we’ve given up. Don’t let this defeat you. You are stronger than your urge (even though it may not feel like it sometimes). It’s not the end, do not give up.

Uh-oh

Why do I pull? What will I gain? I'm losing more than Im gaining. I lose my hair (that I've worked so hard for), confidence, happiness and faith in myself. When I pull I get a temporary satisfaction (I mean like a split second) , disappointment, that results in months of regrowth. For the past 3 months I've had this daily satisfaction of seeing my hair grow back, and the fact that I'm able to do my hair (and it looks good!). A few hours of pulling and I've ruined it. I have to start all over. I have to wait again. I have to part my hair differently. Hairspray, headbands, ponytails... I don't want to let it get there again. I don't want to be embarrassed of my own hair. I want to look pretty, I want to feel pretty. Today, over and over, I kept telling myself to stop, but I cpuldnt. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm not letting it get bad again. I start fresh tomorrow. No pulling, no scab picking on my head. I need to let it heal, I need to heal myself.

I am not my behavior.

Not sure how I haven't pulled in over two months. Not sure if it's finally done this time. It's been more of a struggle to stop, and I have to actually TRY. I used to just have to make it through one day pull-free and I could go weeks, even months without pulling even one hair. This time, I've had to fight. I've had to fight hard for it this time. Each day is a struggle. I have more stress in my life now than I ever have had before. But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe in the future I'll be able to tell myself "you got through it that time without pulling, now you can get through this". My hairdresser has trichotillomania too. I was referred to her by a friend for my hair extensions (she didn't know I pulled). But I needed a good hairdresser. When I went, I told her all about my problem. She had it too. What are the odds? Now she had only had it for a few months when I had met her. I went back today, and she said my hair was the healthiest it had ever been. We trimmed off all the dead at the bottom, and yes, it's shorter, but its healthy. And it feels great. So now I'm ready to grow it out this time. Long. I want long hair. I'm determined this time. I have this very blonde hair (that used to be down to my booty when I was younger), and I want that again. And even though I have this beautiful two inch regrowth on the top of my head that sticks straight up, I know it will one day be long like the rest of it.

6 days

Almost 7 full days without pulling. When I was younger (even a year ago) if I could go one day without pulling a hair, I could go months without even thinking about it. Not this time, it's harder. It's a struggle. A few days ago, I also went to my first hypnotherapy appoingment. Instead of making it better, it's made it harder. Instead of getting my mind off the hair pulling, it's made me think about it way more than I usually do. I'm more upset with myself that I went to the appointment (and wasted the time and money) because it just made it worse. Although, how would I have known? I keep thinking it over and over In my head that I wish I wouldn't have gone. I feel like it's harder this time, than previous times. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I have to work for it this time, and maybe I can finally get over this. Almost 13 years in the making, and I'm ready. I'm ready to feel pretty. I want someone to think my hair is beautiful one day. I want someone to compliment my hair.

Time to let go..

I was doing so well. SO well. I was proud of myself. My hairdresser was proud of me. My hair was looking GOOD. I felt prettier than I had in a long time. I was starting to feel okay with my boyfriend seeing my hair not in a ponytail or a bun. Then I started a new job, and moved, all within a month. My new job is very stressful and makes me wonder why I ever left my old job. My new house is not my home, and I feel uncomfortable there. Im trying to make it MINE, but it just doesn't feel very homey. I pulled one. I told myself I would stop, that would be the only one. And then I just kept going. It looks like it did a few months ago, nothing new. Back to pulling again. I tried so hard. As I type this, I'm trying to keep my hands off my scalp. I had a rough day, spent most of it sick in bed, and the fact that I know I'm going to get in trouble tomorrow for asking to go home from work early today. I relieve stress this way. I deal with change this way. I hate it. I wish I could do something else. Gardening, running, cooking, yoga... anything else. I've tried just about everything. This Saturday I have an appointment for hypnosis. I've pretty much tried everything else out there. I'm hopeful this will help in some way, shape or form. I'm tired of this. It's getting old. I need to let go.