In Control

I have pretty decent self-control when it comes to just about anything—eating right, homework, exercising, not spending too much money… I don’t understand how when it comes to this—It’s almost 0. How can I let it take over? It takes over my thoughts and my actions and then it takes over my life. It makes no sense. I can stop myself from doing just about anything else but I can’t control something that is destroying me. It’s sad. But I guess if it were controllable, it wouldn’t even be a disorder. It wouldn’t be around. Nobody would have it. But that’s the thing—it’s not controllable. And that’s hard for me because I like to be in control of just about everything in my life. I panic when things are out of my control. I’ve been out of control of this since I was 8 years old. I’m 21 now. It’s been 13 years since I’ve let this decide my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my self-confidence and my hairstyles. It has controlled my relationships (or lack thereof). It’s controlled so many aspects of my life. I fight back but it’s only a matter of time until it takes over again.

Sometimes I feel defeated..

Every time I go through a pulling spirt, I feel like I become less and less in control. I used to stop pulling by being able to go ONE day without pulling and then I was good for months and months. Lately, it’s been so much harder. I have so much going on that I feel like I can’t get a handle on it. I pulled most of my regrowth out, and I’m very upset about that. It was looking SO good. It was thick and healthy and long and pretty and now it’s gone. Not all of it, but a large chunk of it. It’s hard. I try to be a professional at work and not pull but that’s where I feel like it’s the worst. My boyfriend is very supportive. A few weeks back I started pulling again, I was embarrassed. When I told him I had relapsed, he said he didn’t even notice because he doesn’t see my bald spots when he looks at me. I’m very lucky. I’m working full time and going to school full time. I live in a terrible house with terrible roommates, It’s nowhere near close to being considered a “Home”. I feel like when I have a place that I consider a home (which I have before but I’ve since moved), where I can sit on the couch and watch TV or cook or lounge around in my pajamas, I don’t feel as stressed because I have a relaxed home environment, but not this time around. The past 9 months (which is when I moved in) I’ve pulled the most I ever have in my entire life. It’s easy to become defeated. It’s easy to feel defeated. We all feel it at some point or another, but we’re NOT defeated. We still have some fight left in us, even if we’ve given up. Don’t let this defeat you. You are stronger than your urge (even though it may not feel like it sometimes). It’s not the end, do not give up.

Day 9

Day 9. This last pull streak wasn't too bad, so I looked at my hair in the mirror and it's almost long enough to let down! I've been wearing my hair half pulled up to cover up the damage I've done, but it's almost long enough to be let down again. I get really bummed almost every morning when I'm doing my hair, knowing I've done this to myself, but it's looking good And I'm so excited. Summer is coming and I just want to be like everyone else who doesn't have to be careful when it comes to the water because if my hair gets wet, someone might see. I'm taking lots of vitamins and eating lots of protein, vegetables and fruits, that's about all I've been eating, I'm trying to get my diet on track. The better the diet, the faster, longer and stronger my hair will grow. So far, so good.

New to blogging about this, not new to trich

Never displayed my feelings about this disorder before. It's been over 12 years and counting. I've gone weeks, and months without pulling one hair and within seconds all my hard work is gone. We all know the feeling. It's hard. And we all know the questions people ask "Well why don't you just stop pulling your hair?" Well...wouldn't that be the perfect solution to just STOP, unfortunately we CAN'T just stop when we want to. Started when I was 8 years old. I'm 20 now and have never felt I was pretty. Even when I didn't pull, my hair was still growing back, and it was choppy and 100 different lengths. I currently see a hairdresser every 2 weeks to help me cover up my damage. I'm on Prozac daily and have been since I was about 14. Just started a new natural stress reliever, and so far it's been good. I've been 6 days pull free, and I haven't been pull free for longer than a day since October of last year. I'm going to try something new with the blog and maybe, just maybe It'll help and if it helps someone else along the way, then that's good enough for me. Goodnight All.