In Control

I have pretty decent self-control when it comes to just about anything—eating right, homework, exercising, not spending too much money… I don’t understand how when it comes to this—It’s almost 0. How can I let it take over? It takes over my thoughts and my actions and then it takes over my life. It makes no sense. I can stop myself from doing just about anything else but I can’t control something that is destroying me. It’s sad. But I guess if it were controllable, it wouldn’t even be a disorder. It wouldn’t be around. Nobody would have it. But that’s the thing—it’s not controllable. And that’s hard for me because I like to be in control of just about everything in my life. I panic when things are out of my control. I’ve been out of control of this since I was 8 years old. I’m 21 now. It’s been 13 years since I’ve let this decide my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my self-confidence and my hairstyles. It has controlled my relationships (or lack thereof). It’s controlled so many aspects of my life. I fight back but it’s only a matter of time until it takes over again.

Uh-oh

Why do I pull? What will I gain? I'm losing more than Im gaining. I lose my hair (that I've worked so hard for), confidence, happiness and faith in myself. When I pull I get a temporary satisfaction (I mean like a split second) , disappointment, that results in months of regrowth. For the past 3 months I've had this daily satisfaction of seeing my hair grow back, and the fact that I'm able to do my hair (and it looks good!). A few hours of pulling and I've ruined it. I have to start all over. I have to wait again. I have to part my hair differently. Hairspray, headbands, ponytails... I don't want to let it get there again. I don't want to be embarrassed of my own hair. I want to look pretty, I want to feel pretty. Today, over and over, I kept telling myself to stop, but I cpuldnt. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm not letting it get bad again. I start fresh tomorrow. No pulling, no scab picking on my head. I need to let it heal, I need to heal myself.

Day 9

Day 9. This last pull streak wasn't too bad, so I looked at my hair in the mirror and it's almost long enough to let down! I've been wearing my hair half pulled up to cover up the damage I've done, but it's almost long enough to be let down again. I get really bummed almost every morning when I'm doing my hair, knowing I've done this to myself, but it's looking good And I'm so excited. Summer is coming and I just want to be like everyone else who doesn't have to be careful when it comes to the water because if my hair gets wet, someone might see. I'm taking lots of vitamins and eating lots of protein, vegetables and fruits, that's about all I've been eating, I'm trying to get my diet on track. The better the diet, the faster, longer and stronger my hair will grow. So far, so good.