In Control

I have pretty decent self-control when it comes to just about anything—eating right, homework, exercising, not spending too much money… I don’t understand how when it comes to this—It’s almost 0. How can I let it take over? It takes over my thoughts and my actions and then it takes over my life. It makes no sense. I can stop myself from doing just about anything else but I can’t control something that is destroying me. It’s sad. But I guess if it were controllable, it wouldn’t even be a disorder. It wouldn’t be around. Nobody would have it. But that’s the thing—it’s not controllable. And that’s hard for me because I like to be in control of just about everything in my life. I panic when things are out of my control. I’ve been out of control of this since I was 8 years old. I’m 21 now. It’s been 13 years since I’ve let this decide my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my self-confidence and my hairstyles. It has controlled my relationships (or lack thereof). It’s controlled so many aspects of my life. I fight back but it’s only a matter of time until it takes over again.