Going gluten free!

Almost three weeks ago I decided to do something drastic (drastic for me anyways) and I cut gluten out of my diet. It was a tough decision because I’m in love with all things bread. I can always go for a big bowl of pasta, people always bringing donuts into work and cookies are my weakness. 
I made this decision after coming across several studies and medical journals about how cutting gluten can decrease your pulling. To make things better, cutting gluten is one of the recommended diet changes for another medical issue I have with my thyroid. It was decided. I thought about doing it a year or so ago when I first came across the research, but now I have two reasons to cut it.
How bad can it be? I typically eat fruit, veggies and meat anyways. So far, it’s not that bad! I’ve seen a significant decrease in my pulling urges and decrease in my flare ups with my thyroid. I’m killing two birds with one stone. I haven’t missed it too much anyways. I should be eating healthier anyways, so this gives me just another reason to!

I feel slightly more tired than usual. I’m sure my body is just getting used to the changes. So far, it’s doable, and the benefits I’m receiving from it (especially the decrease in my pulling urges) is beyond worth it. I’m so happy I’ve decided to do this. It could be a lifestyle change that could turn into a lifestyle of long hair and no pulling!

I will.

It’s hard to feel pretty. It’s so hard when you try so hard and you are actually destroying the way you look. And depending on where you pull- you may or may not be able to cover it up. I pull right on the top of my head. I wear a bun every day to work to hide it and to prevent myself from pulling and it doesn’t always work. It makes me so sad to get out of the shower, I immediately blow dry my hair and put it up because I can’t stand to see myself looking like that. Even worse—knowing that I did it to myself. I was doing so great. My hair was looking good and was coming in so nicely. Within just a few weeks, I’ve pulled most of the regrowth out and am back to where I started. I’m embarrassed to meet new people. I’m so embarrassed when I go to my boyfriend’s family functions. I’m sure they’ve noticed and probably think I’m some sort of freak. I don’t know how I let myself do this to myself—for 13 years. It seems like a never ending thing. But I want to be done. I want to know that I’ve done everything I can to stop. I can push myself to workout really hard, or to wake up early to get something done, or to get ahead in my classes but I can’t stop this. I’m tired of it. I’m done. I want to feel pretty. I want to feel beautiful. I want to know that I’ve done everything I could to overcome this. I want to overcome this. I will overcome this.

In Control

I have pretty decent self-control when it comes to just about anything—eating right, homework, exercising, not spending too much money… I don’t understand how when it comes to this—It’s almost 0. How can I let it take over? It takes over my thoughts and my actions and then it takes over my life. It makes no sense. I can stop myself from doing just about anything else but I can’t control something that is destroying me. It’s sad. But I guess if it were controllable, it wouldn’t even be a disorder. It wouldn’t be around. Nobody would have it. But that’s the thing—it’s not controllable. And that’s hard for me because I like to be in control of just about everything in my life. I panic when things are out of my control. I’ve been out of control of this since I was 8 years old. I’m 21 now. It’s been 13 years since I’ve let this decide my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my self-confidence and my hairstyles. It has controlled my relationships (or lack thereof). It’s controlled so many aspects of my life. I fight back but it’s only a matter of time until it takes over again.