In Control

I have pretty decent self-control when it comes to just about anything—eating right, homework, exercising, not spending too much money… I don’t understand how when it comes to this—It’s almost 0. How can I let it take over? It takes over my thoughts and my actions and then it takes over my life. It makes no sense. I can stop myself from doing just about anything else but I can’t control something that is destroying me. It’s sad. But I guess if it were controllable, it wouldn’t even be a disorder. It wouldn’t be around. Nobody would have it. But that’s the thing—it’s not controllable. And that’s hard for me because I like to be in control of just about everything in my life. I panic when things are out of my control. I’ve been out of control of this since I was 8 years old. I’m 21 now. It’s been 13 years since I’ve let this decide my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my self-confidence and my hairstyles. It has controlled my relationships (or lack thereof). It’s controlled so many aspects of my life. I fight back but it’s only a matter of time until it takes over again.

Uh-oh

Why do I pull? What will I gain? I'm losing more than Im gaining. I lose my hair (that I've worked so hard for), confidence, happiness and faith in myself. When I pull I get a temporary satisfaction (I mean like a split second) , disappointment, that results in months of regrowth. For the past 3 months I've had this daily satisfaction of seeing my hair grow back, and the fact that I'm able to do my hair (and it looks good!). A few hours of pulling and I've ruined it. I have to start all over. I have to wait again. I have to part my hair differently. Hairspray, headbands, ponytails... I don't want to let it get there again. I don't want to be embarrassed of my own hair. I want to look pretty, I want to feel pretty. Today, over and over, I kept telling myself to stop, but I cpuldnt. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm not letting it get bad again. I start fresh tomorrow. No pulling, no scab picking on my head. I need to let it heal, I need to heal myself.