I am not my behavior.

Not sure how I haven't pulled in over two months. Not sure if it's finally done this time. It's been more of a struggle to stop, and I have to actually TRY. I used to just have to make it through one day pull-free and I could go weeks, even months without pulling even one hair. This time, I've had to fight. I've had to fight hard for it this time. Each day is a struggle. I have more stress in my life now than I ever have had before. But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe in the future I'll be able to tell myself "you got through it that time without pulling, now you can get through this". My hairdresser has trichotillomania too. I was referred to her by a friend for my hair extensions (she didn't know I pulled). But I needed a good hairdresser. When I went, I told her all about my problem. She had it too. What are the odds? Now she had only had it for a few months when I had met her. I went back today, and she said my hair was the healthiest it had ever been. We trimmed off all the dead at the bottom, and yes, it's shorter, but its healthy. And it feels great. So now I'm ready to grow it out this time. Long. I want long hair. I'm determined this time. I have this very blonde hair (that used to be down to my booty when I was younger), and I want that again. And even though I have this beautiful two inch regrowth on the top of my head that sticks straight up, I know it will one day be long like the rest of it.

6 days

Almost 7 full days without pulling. When I was younger (even a year ago) if I could go one day without pulling a hair, I could go months without even thinking about it. Not this time, it's harder. It's a struggle. A few days ago, I also went to my first hypnotherapy appoingment. Instead of making it better, it's made it harder. Instead of getting my mind off the hair pulling, it's made me think about it way more than I usually do. I'm more upset with myself that I went to the appointment (and wasted the time and money) because it just made it worse. Although, how would I have known? I keep thinking it over and over In my head that I wish I wouldn't have gone. I feel like it's harder this time, than previous times. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I have to work for it this time, and maybe I can finally get over this. Almost 13 years in the making, and I'm ready. I'm ready to feel pretty. I want someone to think my hair is beautiful one day. I want someone to compliment my hair.

Time to let go..

I was doing so well. SO well. I was proud of myself. My hairdresser was proud of me. My hair was looking GOOD. I felt prettier than I had in a long time. I was starting to feel okay with my boyfriend seeing my hair not in a ponytail or a bun. Then I started a new job, and moved, all within a month. My new job is very stressful and makes me wonder why I ever left my old job. My new house is not my home, and I feel uncomfortable there. Im trying to make it MINE, but it just doesn't feel very homey. I pulled one. I told myself I would stop, that would be the only one. And then I just kept going. It looks like it did a few months ago, nothing new. Back to pulling again. I tried so hard. As I type this, I'm trying to keep my hands off my scalp. I had a rough day, spent most of it sick in bed, and the fact that I know I'm going to get in trouble tomorrow for asking to go home from work early today. I relieve stress this way. I deal with change this way. I hate it. I wish I could do something else. Gardening, running, cooking, yoga... anything else. I've tried just about everything. This Saturday I have an appointment for hypnosis. I've pretty much tried everything else out there. I'm hopeful this will help in some way, shape or form. I'm tired of this. It's getting old. I need to let go.

Encouragement

I feel like its my job in the world to encourage other people. And I want to be the one that encourages other people to stop pulling their hair out too. My younger cousin pulls her hair and I write her letters a few times a month, but I hate giving her bad news-- that I'm still pulling. I want to be the person that beats this disorder. I want to be the encourager to other people. Yesterday was the single most stressful day at work I've ever had, and as much as I hate to admit it, I pulled a few hairs. I felt really bad afterwards. But today is a new day. Started all over, no more pulling after that!

Day 9

Day 9. This last pull streak wasn't too bad, so I looked at my hair in the mirror and it's almost long enough to let down! I've been wearing my hair half pulled up to cover up the damage I've done, but it's almost long enough to be let down again. I get really bummed almost every morning when I'm doing my hair, knowing I've done this to myself, but it's looking good And I'm so excited. Summer is coming and I just want to be like everyone else who doesn't have to be careful when it comes to the water because if my hair gets wet, someone might see. I'm taking lots of vitamins and eating lots of protein, vegetables and fruits, that's about all I've been eating, I'm trying to get my diet on track. The better the diet, the faster, longer and stronger my hair will grow. So far, so good.

New to blogging about this, not new to trich

Never displayed my feelings about this disorder before. It's been over 12 years and counting. I've gone weeks, and months without pulling one hair and within seconds all my hard work is gone. We all know the feeling. It's hard. And we all know the questions people ask "Well why don't you just stop pulling your hair?" Well...wouldn't that be the perfect solution to just STOP, unfortunately we CAN'T just stop when we want to. Started when I was 8 years old. I'm 20 now and have never felt I was pretty. Even when I didn't pull, my hair was still growing back, and it was choppy and 100 different lengths. I currently see a hairdresser every 2 weeks to help me cover up my damage. I'm on Prozac daily and have been since I was about 14. Just started a new natural stress reliever, and so far it's been good. I've been 6 days pull free, and I haven't been pull free for longer than a day since October of last year. I'm going to try something new with the blog and maybe, just maybe It'll help and if it helps someone else along the way, then that's good enough for me. Goodnight All.